You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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