i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Is Oprah even human
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
