Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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