Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
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