FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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