I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
