Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
