wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize