Yo dont text me then not text me
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You dont lie about slip and slides
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
