I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Randomize
