I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
