I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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