So drunk its hurt
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
