new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
