You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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