mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
