You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
