I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Shame - the story of my life.
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