Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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