I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Sorry my hands just texted you
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize