Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
