I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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