Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
so let's talk penis.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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