just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
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