no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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