I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
