But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
