well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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