I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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