meet me or not, i'm out of control
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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