i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize
