Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
