More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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