Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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