I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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