it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
