She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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