She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Randomize
