It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize