Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize