I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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