So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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