it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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