My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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