I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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