I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
