Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
