Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
