I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
