last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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