im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
