I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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