hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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