i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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