Already got asked if we're dating
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
