Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize