can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
