We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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