Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
