I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
